How Do You Know What You Want?

This past weekend I went to New York City for a couple of days because we had a long weekend. I experienced one of the worst Broadway shows I've ever seen and one of the best. I had a lot of fun with my friends (even in the car trips to and from the city) and got to see some old friends, too. I also experienced some delirium, which often happens when I'm traveling, and had a few gem strug moments. Mostly things that came out of my mouth. For example, we were talking about Tom Hanks for some reason and I said, "Tom Hanks is so good in Forrest Gump, it's like retarded".

I've been to NYC a bunch of times, and almost every time I go I get the inspired "I want to live here" feeling. This time...nothing. It was weird. I don't know if it was because the first thing I really did in the city was see an acting optional production of West Side Story, or the fact that I spent to much time in Time Square, but as much fun as I had with my friends, I just didn't get that same "I wanna live here" excitement.

Maybe I'm just sick of the northeast. Maybe I'm sick of the city. Maybe I'm delusional. Maybe I'm going through a phase. Maybe I'm not crazy and I'm just listening to my gut. Lately I've had sort of a "career epiphany" so to speak, and I've realized that there are things in my life that I want and don't want. And so I've realized these things, but I still can't help asking myself how can I ever really be sure that I know what I want? I feel a little like Cinderella in Into the Woods-she can't ever make a decision. Maybe what I think I want isn't actually what I want and I'm deluding myself into believing I'm this person that I'm not. Or maybe all of these new(ish) things I'm realizing are really what I do and don't want, and I've changed. Maybe I'm not the person I thought I was all along.

The funny thing is though, as I'm debating this here, I'm actually okay with it. I'm sort of just using senior year to allow myself to explore all of these thoughts about what I want to do with my life and just let it lie, and see where it takes me. Either I'll get pulled out of my delusion, or I'll realize that I wasn't being delusional at all (hope so). I can't really decide not to make a decision, but I feel like if I just let myself listen and be aware, some answers will come. Hopefully.

I think I may have just confused myself more.

namaste,
elise