Throughout this GOT Binge, I have had a lot of questions. Mostly my questions are things like, “Who is that guy?” After a little bit of googling, I looked at the ratings for Game of Thrones throughout the seasons, and my main question is; do all five plus million of the viewers actually know what’s going on at all times? Do all five million of you GOT fans really know all the names of every single white middle aged dude? Do you really know this guy's name?
How about this dude?
Maybe the confusion is half the fun of Game of Thrones. I’m having fun. I think.
Season 2 opens, and there are so many people trying to claim the throne that my head is spinning. I finally understand the name of the series. GAME OF THRONES --- OOOOOHHHH. I get it! Apparently King Baratheon has two other brothers who want the throne now. Joffery & The Lannister clan want to keep the throne, Hot King Robb is trying to keep his own throne and secede, Khaleesi wants the throne, and then randomly Theon is trying to stir shit up, too! So many lands, so many kings.
So King Robert Baratheon’s older brother, Stannis, hears the incest rumors about Joffery and is pissed because this means he should be king instead. Younger brother Renly Baratheon is a little more distracted by his gay lover who also happens to be his wife Margaery’s brother. SCANDAL! But Margaery is cool with it. Huh? Like every other woman on this show, she just wants to be queen, and is all - "If you want my brother to help out and jerk you off a little bit, that's cool, but we just need to continue this bloodline so I can get pregnant." Older Baratheon is friends with this scary red headed lady - Melisandre. She is starting this new religion and tells him she'll birth him a baby, 'cause: bloodline.
Joffery still sucks. His first major order as King is to have all of Baratheon’s bastard children killed. He's a baby murderer. Babies murdering babies. Casual. Tyrion is acting as the Hand of the King in absence of his father, (BTW loving Tyrion now) and thinks Joffery might just be really angsty because he needs to hump something, so he hires some prostitutes to take Joff’s v card.
But then Joffery does some creepy sadistic shit with the prostitutes and makes them beat and blugeon each other with sharp objects. WHAT THE HELL.
This is when I take a step back, and I’m like - wait a tick - Joffery is straight up nuts. Is his madness the result of incest? Later on it’s insinuated that whenever a Targaryen is born (that family was chock full of incest) God flips a coin, meaning that incest children sometimes end up crazy, sometimes normal. I’m thinking Joffery is the ladder.
OH! And there's a part where Tyrion SLAPS Joffrey. I can't even remember why, but it was A-MAH-ZING.
Jon Snow is ironically roaming around in the snow for basically half the season. Before the snow, he sees some shady shit go down with baby killing and gets captured, and he continues to be awkward around girls. His pudgy friend with the bad teeth meets a buck toothed girl and he won’t shut up about her.
Jon Snow is very good at brooding.
Its all he does.
Good thing he's attractive or this would be super boring.
When Jon Snow is trekking in the snow with his dudes he gets separated and captures this redheaded Wildling girl who will not let the virgin thing go. They cuddle up together and he gets a boner and she makes fun of him relentlessly until he gets so flustered that she gets away and then her Bone Tribe friends show up. Oh no! Jon Snow gets captured again.
There’s a lot of secret love happening. Tyrion’s prostitute lover Shae starts working as Sansa’s hand maiden. Shae is super cool, btw. At first Sansa is her typical biatch self to her, but then Shae tries to help hide it when Sansa gets her period, so they cool.
King Robb falls in love with and marries a hot nurse because she’s hot and smart, unlike the chick he’s betrothed to. She ugly, apparently. I forgot her name. He’s already pissed at his mom for letting Jamie Lannister go, so he rebels and secretly marries Hot Nurse without her permission, a la Romeo and Juliet. They’re gonna have some hot kids. If they survive! Dun dun dun...
Theon goes to the Islands to ask his father to form an alliance with Robb, but then after his father makes fun of his clothes he decides he wants to take over, too. He hasn’t seen is sister in a while - so he doesn’t recognize her and he hits on her and touches her boob. EWWWW! She gets thirty boats and he gets like two, and he totally blows as a leader because no one respects him. But somehow, he takes over Winterfell and shit gets real for the Starks. He makes it look like he kills Bran-Muffin (who is now clairvoyant) and tiny younger brother, but it was all a scam. Tooootally called it, because Theon can't do anything right. The boys are hiding in a cave the whole time.
Khaleesi’s story line is a little “eh”. She ends up in this place called Quarth and there’s this evil merchant guy who doesn’t believe she has dragons. She wears this pretty blue dress and there’s a lady in a face mask and a creepy Warlock that looks like Squidward from Spongebob Squarepants. Her dragons disappear and she gets them back when she goes to the Land of the Undying. She finds her hand maiden in bed with the king of Quarth and burns them in a chamber. She continues to be fierce.
Tyrion and Cersei spend the whole season scheming behind each other’s backs. Cersei drinks just as much as Tyrion, but people don’t call her out on it. Sansa almost gets raped and is terrified. But when the black smoke monster from “Lost” that’s birthed out of Melisandre’s body attacks Renly, Margaery is single and ready to mingle/ be queen. So then they decide to have her marry Joffery instead. Sansa is so relieved. Yay!
But she still has to figure out how to escape. Because Littlefinger reminds her Joffrey can still mess with her.
Speaking of Littlefinger, who is this dude? He’s got his grimy little fingers in everyone’s business. Hmmm.... He loves Catlyn, and he’s in charge of the prostitutes. Seems shady to me.
Arya saves this guy's life, so he gives her three genie wishes to kill whoever she chooses. I call him David Spade, because he looks like David Spade, also because his name consists of only vowels. She pours wine for Tywin Lannister and he figures out she can read so he has mad respect.
There’s finally a huge battle in Episode 9 when Stannis comes to King’s Landing, and the Lannister’s are about to shit their pants because they aren’t completely ready for this attack. Tyrion is a secret smarty pants and releases this green goo atomic bomb thing called wildfire into the ocean. A bunch of Baratheon’s men get injured but not all of them. They bust into the city walls and hell breaks loose - but not before Cersei has wimpy Joffery leave the battlegrounds to go to his bedchamber. He needs a nap. Tyrion gets slashed, and Tywin Lannister shows up and saves the day, taking all the credit. Right before Cersei is about to drunkenly poison her youngest son, it’s announced that the Lannisters have won. Yay?
Back in the snow, Jon Snow is with the Bone People who’ve also captured one of his comrades from the Night’s Watch, but then Jon kills him! What? I’m so confused. Meanwhile, pudgy guy gets separated from the rest of the Night’s Watch in a blizzard, and then :
Shit just got so REAL!
Until Season 3, folks.